Alan Harnum, Font of Limitless Wisdom
Let me formally welcome you all back to Jarvis Collegiate Institute, although by the time this is published you'll probably have been in school for a month, and once again slipped into the standard routine of soul crushing despair reading writing and 'rithmetic. Anyway, let's see out first letter. And if you wand to send me letters, go ahead. Thousands of people do. Millions! Students from other schools send me letters! Stick 'em in the Jargon box! Run up to me in the hall and hand them to me! Throw them through my window attached to a rock!
This issue's letters deal generally with the unscheduled interruption to this December's exams, by a clever little monkey who decided to call in a bomb threat. Naughty, naughty monkey! You made lots of people very angry!Dear Alan,
Unlike many other Jarvis students, I was born without a brain. When exams came, I was frightened out of my wits. However, then I had a great idea! I called in and made a bomb threat to the school on Thursday! Then I made another one the next day! Then another two on Monday! Many exams were rescheduled, and hundreds of students were inconvenienced and had to come back from their holidays and write exams in January! Plus, no one was able to go ANYWHERE in the school during exams, and a climate of fear and trepidation was created for everyone! A lot of my friends, when they remember how to shape "words" to form coherent "sentences" say it was a pretty cool thing to do. What do you think?
-No Brain, No Pain
Well. Well, well, well. A fine letter to start off the column. I'm sure everyone remembers what happened due to this letter writer's creative efforts in the little are a of "scaring the crap out of the Jarvis faculty" and "making everyone's exams even worse than usual". In response to your letter, your idea sucked. Not the basic idea, which was somehow avoiding schoolwork. Avoiding schoolwork, particularly exams, is a great tradition. Avoiding work of any kind is a great tradition. However, if you REALLY wanted to avoid having to do your exams, there are much better ways than yours. For example...
1) Call the school and tell them the T-1000 is loose in the school, trying to assassinate one the Jarvis students so that they won't lead the revolution in the future against the evil forces of Skynet. The T-1000 rules. I wish I was T-1000! Damn!
2) Run headfirst into a concrete wall until you pass out from pain and have to be taken to the hospital, thus missing exams while the doctors search for whatever fragments of your brain may have survived. Plus, if you are lucky, one of the doctors might be George Clooney! George Clooney rules! I wish I was George Clooney! Damn!
3)Refuse to take the exam for religious reasons. Debate adamantly to your right to interpret the beliefs of your own religion in the way you wish. If you can't interpret your native religion in the right way, choose another one. Or make one up.
4) Develop a new and intriguing mental illness. Then while you're in the asylum getting introduced to the wonders of electroshock and cold showers, you won't have to take the exam. Plus, if you are lucky, one of the patients might be Dustin Hoffman's character Raymond, from the film Rainman. Raymond rules! Go Raymond! I wish I was Raymond! Damn! I definitely wish I was Raymond. Definitely.
5)Have a genuinely legitimate excuse for missing the exam. Note: "I was too drunk to attend" is not a legitimate excuse. Neither is "I had a cold sore on my lip."
Notice how none of these ways would lead to the need for security tactics such as those that were used during exams this December. So, remember, if you really feel the need to get out of an exam, do it in such a way that you don't inconvenience other people, such as those of us who aspire to be more than a fry-clerk at McDonald's.
Next letter, please.
Dear Alan,
As an OAC student who relies on their exams to boost up their mark, I was a little annoyed at how they were made more stressful by the bomb threats. I've gathered a group of like-minded individuals to launch a campaign of mob justice; currently, we're thinking of pulling all the skin off the person who did it and throwing them into a pit of salt. What do you think?
-The Ringleader
Where do I sign up?
Dear Alan,
Please cease your constant phone calls. We do not yet know who made the bomb threat. We also do not condone vigilante justice. And we find you constant demands to be lent "some kinda real big firearm for some kick-ass Dirty Harry action" to be a disturbing commentary on your mental state.
-Officer Friendly
How did that get in here?
Dear Alan,
I read an advice column in the last issue of the Jargon, and thought it was really keen! I even came up to the writer, who poured his heart and soul into it, and told him so! I even told him I'd write a letter for him to use, so he wouldn't have to make them up! Not that he does anyway! But then I didn't write him a letter! Is death too good for me?
-Lying Bad Person
Yes.
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