Jarvis JargOnline 2005: Humour

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Lisa Tran

WMD
The halls of Jarvis are getting a facelift and it’s not going to be pretty. The Toronto District School Board is planning to set up camp at Jarvis in the coming days. They’re on a mission - a fact-finding mission - for WMD’s. That’s right, Weapons of Mass Distraction.

The news of an imminent invasion has caught Jarvis students by surprise. The appearances of the TDSB task force and metal detectors around the borders of the building have led to rage and confusion among Jarvis students. “What are they doing here? This isn’t Rosedale!” shouted one Grade 12 student.

The TDSB has offered only a vague explanation on why they’ve invaded our school. As Sheila Ward, Jarvis’s school area trustee and spokesperson for the Board explains, “We are under the impression that Jarvis Collegiate Institute is harbouring weapons of mass distraction. After reviewing the results of the last EQAO evaluation, we are confident that there are WMD’s hiding in Jarvis. Your cooperation will lead to a brief occupation of Jarvis. On behalf of the TDSB, I’d advise you to comply.”

When asked whether the TDSB has concrete evidence of the existence of WMD’s in Jarvis, Ward declined to comment.

...the gas emissions tend to make students feel nauseous and sleepy without the aid of a teacher’s lesson.

Due to the lack of information released by the TDSB, this reporter decided to conduct an unauthorized, non-scientific investigation.

Behind its formidable title, the Weapons of Mass Distraction are composed of the simplest things. These weapons are activities that lure the Jarvis student to become distracted from learning.
One of the most powerful weapons said to be hiding in Jarvis is the Radiat-040. It is the loudest and most intelligent weapon of mass distraction to exist. This particular weapon is prone to making loud noises that sound like armoured knights fighting with pots. They know exactly when to make the loudest noises to irritate and distract students. They appear most frequently when students are writing tests or when the most important point of a lesson is being taught, burying the point under wall of sound.

Radiat-040s not only distract with sound, but its dual nature allows this weapon to irritate with temperature too. Depending on what class you’re in, the temperature varies in several degrees. This causes a temperature shock between classes when moving from the pneumonia-inducing climate of a Chemistry room to the fiery infernos, otherwise known as the English rooms.

In many cases, the gas emissions tend to make students feel nauseous and sleepy without the aid of a teacher’s lesson.

There is also a possible threat of chemical weapons ready to break the concentration on Jarvis students. The scent of this weapon, Otispunkitus-310, is so strong that it can be detected from the fourth floor. Its smell appears regularly at the end of the school day to lure a student’s mind further from a lesson. Once the scent reaches a student’s nose, they enter into an alternate world filled with dancing pixie sticks and chocolate waterfalls.

Following in a similar fashion, the DayD-638 overcomes students in class as their minds drift away from the lesson because of any of the previously stated weapons. It also causes students to dream of more interesting things, things that certainly do not involve homework. This weapon makes students become drowsy and they may snore or froth at the mouths while they rest their heads on the desks.

With the exception of the Otispunkitus-310, these weapons reported to be in Jarvis have not been found, but the TDSB insists that these and other WMDs do exist.

When asked of the Board’s progress in the investigation, Ward snapped back. “Do you have something against freedom and liberty? We’re here to free you from the dangers of these weapons. Don’t you like freedom?”

However, students see this situation from a different perspective. “We have a right to these things...they are crazy if they think that all we’re going to do is school work twenty-four hours a day,” says Sharihan Bhuiyan, a Grade 12 student.

Wendy Zhou, a Grade 12 student, agrees. “I don’t care if they’re weapons... what is mine shall remain mine!”

Andy Bashier, a Grade 12 student, thinks that if the removal of these weapons is ever successful, the result of it will lead to major problems, “In a world where the pen and paper are the only way to learn, we would all be failures.”

“We are under the impression that Jarvis Collegiate Institute is harbouring Weapons of Mass Distraction.”

After two months of searching every room and turning over every desk, the Board still has very little evidence to support their claims, but they believe that they did remove enough weapons to allow Jarvis students to concentrate on their schoolwork.

It was not until later that they saw absolutely no improvement in the average Jarvis student’s study habits. They realized that it was impossible to remove all the distractions from everyone, as students switched to other forms of distraction to ease their boredom such as taking longer naps and playing mah-jongg.

Even after their failed occupation, it is still unclear if the TDSB is leaving Jarvis Collegiate for good, as there are rumours that they may be interested in investing in “Liquid gold”—the cafeteria’s own special olive oil.